I don’t know what it is about the NBA postseason this year but I’ve been on board for much of it this spring. Maybe it’s the priceless postgame interviews with Ron Artest that keeps me tuned in, as that’s some good reality television right there. It sure doesn’t get anymore uncomfortably awkward than that, that’s for sure. TNT and the NBA equals a match made in hardwood heaven due largely in part to the back-and-forth between Ernie Johnson, Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley. And thanks to NBA.com I was able to waste too much of my life watching, and selecting, my favorite NBA playoff highlights from back in the day. Enjoy…

1970′s – The New York Knicks road two-time NBA Finals MVP Willis Reed to two titles in four years during the early part of the decade (’70 and ’73; lost in ’74) while the Boston Celtics followed that up with two of their own (’73 and ’75) behind MVP performances from John Havlicek and Jo Jo White. The two big championship game losers during the 1970s, in comparison you could argue, were the Baltimore/Washington Bullets (one win in four trips to finals) and Los Angeles Lakers (one win in three trips to finals). 

1980′s – By the time the Philadelphia 76ers faded out in the middle of the 1980s (winning one title and losing two) there were two teams from each coast constantly in the hunt year after year. And in fact, just four cities claimed NBA titles during the decade. Between the Los Angeles Lakers and Boston Celtics there were six championship trophies won in the 80′s, with L.A. taking two-of-three in head-to-head meetings. The Lakers would go on to win five in all (with Magic Johnson being named MVP three times) and return to lose in three others. The Celtics (and two-time finals MVP Larry Bird) won three title games themselves despite dropping those other two trips to their cross-country rivals. The Detroit Pistons rounded out the 80′s by splitting two championship games with the Lakers while the Houston Rockets lost both times they advanced to the finals against the Celtics.

1990′s – The Detroit Pistons wrapped up a back-to-back championship campaign to help usher in a new decade but that paled in comparison to the impact six-time finals MVP Michael Jordan had on the game in the 1990s. The Chicago Bulls did much more than win six-of-six titles, they won three in a row on two separate occasions. The Houston Rockets, who went back-to-back behind two-time finals MVP Hakeem Olajuwon in ’94 and ’95, should still be thanking Jordan for taking up baseball after his first three-peat concluded in ’93. The teams on the wrong end of the finals during the 90′s were the Portland Trail Blazers, New York Knicks and Utah Jazz, who each lost twice and have not returned since.

2000′s – Although this season has yet to officially close the door on the first decade of hoops in the new millennium, it’s not too soon to take a quick look back… After the San Antonio Spurs wrapped up the NBA title following the strike-shortened season of ’99, they would eventually ride two-time finals MVP Tim Duncan (three awards in all) to three more championships in five years, essentially matching what three-time MVP Shaquille O’Neal and the Los Angeles Lakers did at the start of the decade. Only the slight difference is that the Lakers got it done three years in a row before returning twice more, only to be turned away against the Pistons and last year’s Celtics. (Sounds like the return of the late-80′s all over again). The New Jersey Nets also lost in the finals twice this past decade, to both the Spurs and Lakers.

I made a bet. Not a bet involving money or humiliating acts of any sort. But a bet I felt, had I won, the reward would outweigh the punishment had I lost. That bet was on the Super Bowl. If the Cardinals pulled off an upset my buddy Joe from the Steel City had to write an article praising the mighty Cleveland Browns. Knowing that the feat of praising the Browns was indeed a hefty one, I gave up the points and took it straight up, winner-take-all. I fucking lost.

I, with all my atheistic cynicism, bet on the forever born-again Christian grocery bag boy. (I say “forever” because the same story that they told about Kurt Warner this past week, and during the game, is the same retarded ass Lifetime “movie of the week” story they told ten fucking years ago when he went to his first Super Bowl. Seriously Kurt, can I at least get some Tim Tebow-like missionary work to hear about and not just the redundancy of your pre-football life coupled with the fact that your 115 pound wife popped seven fucking kids out of her vagina? Tie a fucking tube already.) But Warner was all the hope I had to help brighten the dreary days only Dog Pound faithful truly feel.

So in essence this game was about the Steelers and the Browns. And guess who lost? My punishment is indeed to give Big Ben, the Steelers organization, as well as the city of Pittsburgh a giddy 16-year old orgasm in the form of a written hand job.

But first let me say just a few things about the state of Ohio… James Harrison (LB) college – Kent State (OH); hometown – Akron (OH)… Ben Roethlisberger (QB) college – Miami (of Ohio); hometown – Findlay (OH)… Santonio Holmes (WR) college – Ohio State; Super Bowl XLIII MVP…

You can thank us later.

Let me start not with what could arguably have been the greatest Super Bowl ever, but with a few of my favorite things about the Steelers. No. 1 is the Rooney Rule (Named after Pitt Owner Dan Rooney) which essentially forces old white billionaires who own football franchises to interview minorities when searching for coaches. In no way does it force them to hire minority coaches but it assumes that if you diversify your search criteria it expands the talent pool when other vacancies become available around the league, thus giving qualified candidates an opportunity they might not have received otherwise. You want to know what happens when you don’t force old white billionaires to do this? Just take a look at college football.

No. 2 is Mike Tomlin’s haircut. Either he has mastered the art of the airbrushed edge-up or his barber wields a magical set of clippers with divine attachments. I mean, Kurt Warner couldn’t get Jesus himself to hook him up with a cut that brilliant. It literally looks like he gets a touch up after every near heart attack-inducing Roethlisberger scramble. With Barack Obama as our president and Mike Tomlin as coach of the reigning Super Bowl champs you can kiss the cornrows goodbye. Don‘t be surprised to see Allen Iverson show up at the All-Star game with a fresh fade.

No. 3 is the fact that at every position on the field the player wearing black and gold is more than likely tougher than his opponent. The prime example is Hines Ward. That motherfucker is vicious. And he smiles the entire time. Think back to a time in your life when you were dominant in a certain moment, so dominant that it was funny. You crossed someone over on the court or you struck someone out or you pulled someone’s card Good Will Hunting-style (“how do ya like them apples!?”) That is how Hines Ward is every time he catches a ball or catches a DB out of position and cracks him. That’s even how Hines is when he gets cracked. I’ll trade Kellen Winslow and Braylon Edwards for Hines right now. And if you don’t want them then I’ll just release them because they’re both pussies anyway.

Finally, before I talk just a little about the game I would like to thank the Pittsburgh Steelers for beating the Baltimore Ravens three times this year. A Browns fan does not want to see a winning Steelers team unless it means a losing Ravens team. Art Model can eat a dick.

So, was it the 100 yard interception return by James Harrison before the first half came to a close (try to remember a better play both in significance and physical brilliance) or the Santonio Holmes tip-toe catch to win the game (which followed the Santonio Holmes missed game-winning catch moments before) that stands out? Was it Big Ben, all 6’5’’, 240 pounds of him, bouncing in and out and around the pocket to create fourth quarter magic once again this year, or the fact that when it really counted the defense stopped Kurt Warner? Yes he threw for almost 400 yards and finally found Larry Fitzgerald in the fourth quarter, but when they had to get him the Steelers did, as the Steelers do, and stopped the opposing quarterback from winning the game. Even though this time they needed their own quarterback to help them out. What was the defining moment? The defining moment of Super Bowl XLIII occurred way back in 1999, when the Browns selected Tim Couch with the No. 1 pick in the NFL Draft.

Let’s assume that travesty doesn’t happen – not only does this game not happen but the history of the NFL post-1999 changes dramatically. That moment, when the Cleveland Browns selected Couch to lead them back into football prominence, left Donovan McNabb on the board for Philly to scoop up. The AFC North would’ve been a different landscape to maneuver through over the last decade had the right decision been made. And the Rooney family might still be stuck on four Lombardi Trophies instead of hoisting a now record-breaking six. But instead we selected a guy who no longer plays pro football, a man who lost his job to Kelly Holcomb. Once again, you can thank us later.

But that misstep only further solidifies the dominance and class that the Steelers organization has established. They make the right decisions when it comes to players and personnel. They make the right decisions when it comes to the way they handle the media. And they make the right decisions when it comes to the way they treat their fans. Browns fans and countless other fan bases both envy and respect such stability. And of course when you have envy and respect you also have extreme hatred. So to my dear friend Joe and all the Terrible Towel-wielding Steelers fans I say congratulations, fuck you very much, enjoy the rest of the NBA season, and how about them Pirates?

Today the Arizona Cardinals become the ninth NFL team all-time to play in their first and only Super Bowl. That appearance concludes a recent 10-year run in which six other first-timers have also qualified for the greatest spectacle in American sports. It’s just another reminder though of the misery that five forgotten franchises must feel this time of year. January is not so much a festive start to the New Year for football fanatics in places such as Cleveland, Detroit, Houston, Jacksonville and New Orleans as it is for the rest of the National Football League faithful.

Not even the eight teams who have just one Super Bowl appearance under their belts feel as low as the Forgettable Five, who each have yet to advance to The Big Game themselves. Heading into the game tonight those first-timers have combined for just three wins among them. Still, that’s better than the four habitual Super Bowl flunkies in Buffalo (0-4), Minnesota (0-4), Cincinnati (0-2) and Philadelphia (0-2). Yet those are all still somehow impressive efforts compared to what Cleveland, Detroit, Houston, Jacksonville and New Orleans have managed to screw up along the way,

Feels like the first time – The parity that the salary cap era created in the late 1990s paid off for many teams, such as the Atlanta Falcons, who following the ’98 season had no business being in Super Bowl XXXIII but found Lady Luck in their huddle against Minnesota in the NFC Championship Game. (They would then get bullied by Denver during their lone five minutes of fame). At least the Tennessee Titans got a little closer to the hardware in their first Super Bowl visit following the ’99 season. And by close, I mean that the start of their celebration fell short by just a yard in Super Bowl XXXIV, against an air-assault once known as the St. Louis Rams (with current Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner).

Then for the third straight year another new face would crash the Super Bowl party. It didn’t take long for the Ravens to do just that after moving to Baltimore from Cleveland in ’96 and following up the 2000 season with an all out whooping of the New York Giants in Super Bowl XXXV. Can’t imagine that ratings were very high up in Ohio for this matchup. The only other first-time winner (in their first visit) over the past 10 years was the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who two years later smacked around the Oakland Raiders in Super Bowl XXXVII.

The Carolina Panthers would then go on to lose by a field goal to the Patriots following the ’03 season in Super Bowl XXXVIII before the Seattle Seahawks settled as the final first-timer to advance, and then lose, in a 21-10 setback to Pittsburgh following the ’05 season. That means the Steelers (who are 5-1 in the Super Bowl already) get another crack at a franchise green behind the ears in the Cardinals, a team that entered the postseason this time around with just two playoff wins all-time to their credit.

What will become of this year’s Cardinals? We’ll soon see whether they’re destined to be remembered as another lucky one-hit wonder that advanced to The Big Game, such as the San Diego Chargers (who lost to San Francisco 49-26 in Super Bowl XXIX following the ’94 season), or one that shocked the world in much the same way the New York Jets did against the Colts in Super Bowl III (following the ’68 season, some 40 years ago). Both the Chargers and Jets have barely sniffed the Super Bowl since.

Close, but no Super Bowl parade – In the modern era the Super Bowl is the only measuring stick that matters when it comes to pro football. Honestly, who really cares about what was once referred to as separate NFL and AFL champions that never even played each other? That’s an idea more for fans of the college football system than for crowning an undisputed winner at season’s end. As of now there are three franchises that carry the torch in terms of most Super Bowl wins and they happen to be the Steelers, San Francisco 49ers (5-0 in Super Bowls) and Dallas Cowboys (5-3). But back to those who have yet to even get there. Here’s hoping Sam Cooke’s “A Change Is Gonna Come” one day applies to them.

– Cleveland – By far the most storied franchise to never reach the NFL’s promised land is the Cleveland Browns. Couple that with seeing the Ravens go on to win the title game and the painful reminder of what could have been is damn near inescapable.

for what it’s worth though, had the Super Bowl been born two years earlier the Browns would already have a spot in Super Bowl history thanks to a win over Baltimore in the 1964 NFL Championship Game. That effort would have led to a Super Bowl matchup against Buffalo of the AFL. Then sadly, before the leagues merged years later and the Browns moved to the American Football Conference, they lost two more opportunities to advance to the title game (Super Bowl III and IV) following lopsided losses to the Colts and Vikings. It gets worse though. Any fan old enough to remember the 1980s can attest to that.

They’ve been dubbed “The Fumble” and “The Drive” and are the very reasons Clevelanders can’t stomach the names John Elway and Denver Broncos. They happened following the ’85 and ’86 seasons. And because of those two AFC Championship Games there is little need to bring up the fact that following the ’88 season, the last time the Browns got close to the Super Bowl, they were embarrassed by the Broncos once more, for the final time. To make matters worse, after Elway and those teams went on to get manhandled in each title-game trip they advanced to, the Broncos somehow rebounded a decade later and redeemed themselves by earning two Lombardi Trophies in the late ’90s while Cleveland no longer even had a team. Not sure what the television ratings near Lake Erie might have been like for those Super Bowl games but I’m sure we can only imagine.

– Houston – Like Cleveland, football fans in Houston could only watch as their former team in Tennessee went on to win the AFC just three years after the Oilers moved away. Although the newly named Titans would eventually go on to lose in the Super Bowl, likely at the great joy of those in southern Texas, it was of small consolation. Since then the newly formed Texans have moved to town (in 2002) and fans there have been subject to .500 ball ever since. When the Oilers were the big ticket in town they had three shots at the Super Bowl after advancing to the AFC Championship Games following the ’67, ’77 and ’78 seasons. They would play each game on the road though and get smashed by Oakland in the first trip and Pittsburgh in the final two. Not even highlight clips of Earl Campbell could soften such a letdown.

– Jacksonville – Much like their expansion cousins in Carolina, the Jaguars got off to a relatively good start in their NFL infancy after coming on board in ’95. At the conclusion of the following season both the Panthers in the NFC and the Jags in the AFC went on to advance to their respective championship games before those dreams were finally dragged back down to earth. Jacksonville was easily handled on the road by New England to end their season that year. Then three years later they were back and better than ever. This time as the top seed in the conference and heavy favorites on their home turf against the Titans. A 33-14 decision kept them from punching their Super Bowl ticket and not a whole lot has been worth following up on ever since.

– Detroit and New Orleans – Neither Barry Sanders with the Lions nor the reincarnated version of the Saints were able to add much of a story line when it comes to the extensive history of these two teams. They’ve combined to make two trips to the NFC Championship Game between them and they both were pasted in those forgettable affairs. The ’91 season capped off the best effort in Lions’ history but they were put to rest in Washington by a 41-10 margin. The Saints finally made the championship game in ’06 only to fall 39-14 in Chicago.

So yeah, there have been monumental pitfalls for the Unfortunate Five who have not yet tasted the love affair Super Bowl qualifiers are bestowed with each visit. Though maybe Arizona can continue to carry the torch for the lovable losers of the league in Super Bowl XLIII against the mighty Steelers, seeing as how they are not-so-far removed from being “one of the guys” in the first place. On second thought, why waste time dwelling on life in the soup line when you can fill up with a Super Bowl stein instead?