Best Advertisement – Mark Jackson plugging the movies Menace II Society, Friday and Finding Nemo, which are the favorite titles of Orlando’s Dwight Howard. Jackson was giving Howard a hard time over the air about the last selection, laughing at how choked-up the big fella got while talking about the animated flick about a fish. Bonus material came when Van Gundy asked “What’s Friday, by the way?”

Makes Me Wonder – Why the hell the Stanley Cup Finals are on at the same time and on the same night as the NBA Finals. To be honest, I could care less about the sport in the first place. But I could be tempted to tune in to the final series of the season, and who knows, maybe find it interesting going into next year. Too bad about the schedule conflict. Maybe I fall out of the league’s targeted demographic.

For Stats Sake – Orlando was led by their big-three as Dwight Howard had 21 points, 14 rebounds; Hedo Turkoglu 18 points, 7 assists, 6 rebounds; and Rashard Lewis 21 points, 5 assists, 5 rebounds and 3 three-pointers. Bryant tallied 31 points and 8 assists, but despite hitting 4 three-pointers had 4 turnovers and went 5-for-10 at the line. Gasol finished with 23 points, 3 rebounds, 2 blocks for the Lakers.

        

–– Further Analysis from the Joint Contrast Crew ––

== Says J.C. – The first NBA Finals win for the Orlando Magic happened to come in their seventh NBA Finals game. Ironically, the Magic moved to 7-0 all-time after that little girl that sang the National Anthem on Tuesday does so in front of the home crowd. It’s a true stat. And her story is quite interesting. But about the game… the thing is, once fans (fair-weathered and faithful) sober up after partying like it was 1995, they’ll brace for the reality that Game 4 is an even bigger deal than Game 3 was. All I know is the longer this thing plays out Magic fans will continue to pop up everywhere I turn. They’re selling pennants and hats at gas stations, bootleg T-shirts at the corner of every other intersection, and they’ve got people who’ve never seen a basketball bounce before talking day and night about this team. Maybe that’s the beauty about pro sports in Orlando. When the only team in town is on top nobody really notices (or cares) how much you didn’t give a damn beforehand.

== Says Ray-Ray – Dwight’s mama must have taught him how to share while growing up because it looked like the whole damn team got their vitamins before tonight’s game. What a magical game it was for Orlando. And how bad does that suck for me, being an L.A. fan? Well pretty damn bad after seeing as how the outcome this time around was a loss. Rasheed Wallace always said that “the ball don’t lie.” So, Mr. Ball God, I am here to apologize for whatever it was the Lakers did wrong. You can even ask the Spade God, I’m not that bad a guy. Well, I’ve done some very bad things, but usually with good intentions. Shit, it seemed to work for that Robin Hood fella. Either way, congrats to the Magic franchise on their first-ever Finals win. But do they have three more record-breaking shooting performances in them like they did tonight?

== Says Steve P. – Five players over 18 points! That’s incredible team basketball, Magic. The scary thing for them is that they played that good and still almost lost. Great game though. So many players on both teams played near-perfect ball tonight. Pau Gasol is a certified badass! He’s confusing Dwight Howard on the defensive end and it seemed like he couldn’t miss, totally using anyone who was guarding him. How can you not root for Rafer Alston? And 1 team to the NBA finals? He’s living his dream, and playing huge. Mark Jackson rapping Jigga lyrics was good stuff: “Go inside the booth/take off the tie/superman is alive.”

== Says TimS – Seriously, a 9 p.m. start time for an east coast game? Fucking assholes. Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals will be damn near over by the time Orlando and L.A. tip-off for what is sure to be an excruciatingly painful first half (that I will unfortunately get to watch) followed by a second half full of championship-style basketball (that I will be sleeping through). Now, I don’t think I could ever be a left-coaster but it must be nice to sit down at 6 p.m. and watch an NBA Finals game all the way through and then still have ample time to search the internet for some wonderfully degrading amateur porn before heading off for some well-earned rest. I on the other hand have to search for porn while I watch the game (aesthetically, Sasha Grey does nothing for me but I believe in the last clip I saw she said “yeah motherfucker, make that pussy prolapse”. I‘m not saying it‘s sexy, just that I would watch it again). So who won? To be honest I’ve never rooted for a Kobe Bryant team (do you really think I give a fuck about basketball as an Olympic sport? No). But I’m hoping for a four-game sweep just so we can get this whole thing over with. Yes, I’m a Cavs’ fan and if The King was still playing I’d be singing a different tune. But unless these games start getting more exciting my interest will keep waning. I see Orlando pulling it’s one and only win out tonight though, 112-97. Let me know in the morning how it turned out.

Best Advertisement – The new Nike puppet commercial with LeBron babysitting that neighbor kid who’s all jacked up on sugar. “Are we gonna get tickets to the Finals?” the kid asks before implying that Kobe might be able to hook them up. And there’s a pretty clever shot taken at Charles Barkley (who picked Orlando over Cleveland) too, something about never winning a ring. Hilarious.

Makes Me Wonder – Why it took the death of Randy Smith for me to learn a little about the NBA’s original Ironman. The memory of Smith was payed tribute to before Game 2 at the Staples Center in Los Angeles.

For Stats Sake – Bryant finished with 29 points, 8 assists, 4 rebounds and 7 turnovers, while Gasol had 24 points, 10 rebounds and 3 assists for L.A. For Orlando, it was Lewis leading the way with 6 three-pointers and 34 points, 11 rebounds and 7 assists, while Dwight Howard finished with 17 points, 16 rebounds, 4 assists, 4 steals, 4 blocks and 7 turnovers himself.

     

–– Further Analysis from the Joint Contrast Crew ––

== Says J.C. – Things started off so lousy in Game 2 that I had to switch over to the Tony Awards just keep from falling out. It was the kind of game where you ask aloud for an update and someone replies “65-63, start of the 4th quarter” and you really don’t give a damn who has the lead. That it’s a two-point game this far along does nothing to overshadow the fact that with a score like that you can only wish the damn thing would end already. Thankfully the best was yet to come. Too bad I couldn’t fast-forward to the thrilling finale though. And I must say, seeing “big-shot” Rashard Lewis go from overpaid free agent to quite a valuable commodity this postseason has been impressive, but alas, not enough to earn Orlando their first-ever win in the Finals. Can you believe he scored 18 of the team’s 20 points in the second quarter? Baffling.

== Says Ray-Ray – As someone that suffers from ADD it was damn near impossible for me to concentrate on such a slow-paced, sloppy game. I had to spend the first three quarters getting my mind right in the backyard. You know, it’s a damn shame being the biggest Lakers fan I know and still barely surviving the stage of comatose boredom that was overcoming my brain in the longest first half of my life. Had it not been for my wife waking me up as she entered the living room to check the score, as she noticed Gone In 60 Seconds on the tube instead, then I’d probably still be asleep. Good thing David Carradine isn’t alive to witness this or else he might have skipped jacking-off altogether and gone straight to hanging himself.

== Says Steve P. – Magic fans, it’s halftime. Kobe Bryant has only 6 points, Rashard Lewis has been on fire and already has 20 points. Aren’t you excited? No. You’re still losing, down five and you’re shining star Dwight Howard might as well be jerking off with Carradine in another dimension. I’m not sure if this is his fault or not, though I did not see one play in the entire second quarter where the offense even looked his way before settling for a long jumper. He does have 12 rebounds but they all seemed pretty routine… You know, I almost fell into the trap of complaining that this game was boring until I realized both teams were spending it all on the defensive end. Trevor Ariza’s “D” on Turkoglu has been outstanding and even though Lewis had 34 points he made some impossible shots. Also, the Magic might have found as good a combo as they’re going to get guarding Bryant with Turkoglu and Pietrus. Good game. I see the Magic taking the next two at home but they have to find a way to get Howard going.

== Says TimS – So after watching both teams combine for some of the worst basketball of the postseason I felt almost sad that I wouldn’t be up for the second half, because it could only get better. Right? I’m sure when I wake up I’ll find that jump shots actually did go in the basket. Or maybe I’ll see disturbing images of Lamar Odom foaming at the mouth from a glucose overdose, or mesmerizing close-ups of Rafer Alston looking exactly like “Crazy Legs” from Don’t Be A Menace To South Central… (go watch it, I’m not lying). What I’m sure I’ll miss is Kobe’s newfound “mean face”. You know, the one where he looks like a retarded kid just before he throws a retard tantrum (be offended by that if you want, but it’s the most accurate description you’ll ever read). Or Maybe the second half will be as ugly as the first. Or worse, as ugly as Pau Gasol. Enjoy.

Best Advertisement – It’s a toss-up between the fourth-quarter plug of the special edition Kobe Bryant Nike Zoom IV shoes (featuring his stats in print, such as the 61 he scored at The Garden) and Dwight Howard’s brand new Vitamin Water commercial. (Guess they’re all getting their vitamins now.)

Makes Me Wonder – Why every time nearly anyone in the league is asked about the best player to ever play in the NBA they, No. 1) Claim not to be able to name just one, then No. 2) Usually bring up the same three names (Magic, Michael and Larry) as did Kobe during a halftime interview. Did the NBA not exist before 1980?

For Stats Sake – Pau Gasol scored 16 points, pulled down 8 rebounds, dished out 3 assists and blocked two shots for L.A. while Howard finished with 12 points, 15 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 steals and 2 blocks for Orlando.

   

–– Further Analysis from the Joint Contrast Crew ––   

== Says J.C. – Before a possessed Kobe Bryant could close the door on the Magic in the 3^rd quarter, there was Jack Nicholson courtside jawwing in Superman’s ear and David Stern in the stands shoveling popcorn in his face. That was back when the game was at least competitive, as the Magic charged out the gate with some emotion before simmering out before the first half even came to a close. Funny thing is that I actually mentioned to Cavs fans, the night they were bounced from the playoffs, how much a tragedy it would be if the Magic are unable to shoot the 3-ball in the next round. In fact it was worse than that as they could only muster a 29.9% effort from the field. Just think, if there were a Game 7 in the Eastern Conference Finals, Cleveland might have had a chance. Pathetic.

== Says Ray-Ray – This is what I call the Black Pyramid Effect. You may ask, what is this? Well, that’s what you call the mixture of the black mamba, the triangle offense, and a crazy trip from the good ol’ days. At least it felt like a hallucination to a die-hard Lakers fan, and what a great trip it was. The job is far from done though as this was only Game 1 and although it does boost my confidence, the Lakers still have a lot of work to do. I may or may not have been on a lucid trip tonight, but I do recall spending my time partying with friends in Ohio this past weekend, where I tried to tell them that the Lakers size and experience would cause chaos for the Magic. And as we “witnessed” against Orlando, the Magic are going to have to do more than just shoot their way past L.A.

== Says Steve P. – So here we sit after game 1 and the only thing larger than Dwight Howard’s body-to-head ratio is the Lakers margin of victory. With only a 1-for-6 shooting effort, his best performance of the night came during his (Lebron fill-in) commercial. Kobe however was a mid-range God. Larry Bird’s favorite player looked absolutely inhuman shooting jumpers over Courtney Lee and Mickael Pietrus. Even after beating my Cavs, I still like Stan Van Gundy. He seems genuine to me. But what coach in their right mind guards Kobe one-on-one in the NBA Finals with a rookie?! He has proved to be a master of adjustment in the playoffs so far but if he doesn’t pull a rabbit out of his hat quickly this series will be over faster then that rabbit fucks. The sole bright spot for Orlando came in the first half when Jameer Nelson played like the all-star he is after a four-month layoff.