Joint Contrast

By – TimS

Spring is here!!!!

And for those of us living in the southern regions that means warm sunny weather, blooming flowers, and pollen covering outside surfaces like frat boys on a passed out freshmen.

Living in an area highly populated by college students I get to witness both one of the most wondrous, and one of the worst visuals, of the emerging spring season – I get to see the young ladies that break out those short skirts and sun dresses.

Now for most men that would be enough, but see I’m not like most men.

Sure, I love the sight of odd fitting dresses, long legs and slightly exposed breasts. But more than that, I love watching these young ladies travel along the cracked concrete and uneven bricks that build any campus walkway while strutting in the high heel sandals which so many feel the need to wear. The ones that wear them, my god do they wear them well. But the ones that don’t, make my day, everyday.

I love the girls that stumble and pretend they didn’t. I love the girls that walk steady, but as if they just drank a bottle of apple pucker while participating in a new episode of College Fuck Fest. But most importantly, I love the fact that my wife enjoys these episodes of female futility as much as I do.

Now let’s move on to that springtime staple that happens to bleed all the way into summer and doesn’t finish up until the leaves begin to change colors, therefore causing me extreme cases of “what the fuck?” for about five months.

To paraphrase Joint Contrast contributer Craig Maizer – “Mother Fucking Plaid Shorts!” If you own them, fuck you! If you wear them on a regular basis, fuck you in multiple colors in a weaved pattern that forms visual vomit! And if you have them, wear them, and are out in public with at least one other male (and you are not on the golf course smoking cigars, drinking beer, and hitting at least a 20-over par) then I’m going to need you to hold your breath until you pass out. But make sure your face is positioned to land safely in a small tub of water.

Seriously, solid colors only unless previous golf scenario is in effect, or if you’re a member of Outkast or Goodie Mob.

Fuck You Plaid Shorts!!!!!!!! Now go to YouTube and type in “short skirt walking.”