Joint Contrast

By – TimS

I made a bet. Not a bet involving money or humiliating acts of any sort. But a bet I felt, had I won, the reward would outweigh the punishment had I lost. That bet was on the Super Bowl. If the Cardinals pulled off an upset my buddy Joe from the Steel City had to write an article praising the mighty Cleveland Browns. Knowing that the feat of praising the Browns was indeed a hefty one, I gave up the points and took it straight up, winner-take-all. I fucking lost.

I, with all my atheistic cynicism, bet on the forever born-again Christian grocery bag boy. (I say “forever” because the same story that they told about Kurt Warner this past week, and during the game, is the same retarded ass Lifetime “movie of the week” story they told ten fucking years ago when he went to his first Super Bowl. Seriously Kurt, can I at least get some Tim Tebow-like missionary work to hear about and not just the redundancy of your pre-football life coupled with the fact that your 115 pound wife popped seven fucking kids out of her vagina? Tie a fucking tube already.) But Warner was all the hope I had to help brighten the dreary days only Dog Pound faithful truly feel.

So in essence this game was about the Steelers and the Browns. And guess who lost? My punishment is indeed to give Big Ben, the Steelers organization, as well as the city of Pittsburgh a giddy 16-year old orgasm in the form of a written hand job.

But first let me say just a few things about the state of Ohio… James Harrison (LB) college – Kent State (OH); hometown – Akron (OH)… Ben Roethlisberger (QB) college – Miami (of Ohio); hometown – Findlay (OH)… Santonio Holmes (WR) college – Ohio State; Super Bowl XLIII MVP…

You can thank us later.

Let me start not with what could arguably have been the greatest Super Bowl ever, but with a few of my favorite things about the Steelers. No. 1 is the Rooney Rule (Named after Pitt Owner Dan Rooney) which essentially forces old white billionaires who own football franchises to interview minorities when searching for coaches. In no way does it force them to hire minority coaches but it assumes that if you diversify your search criteria it expands the talent pool when other vacancies become available around the league, thus giving qualified candidates an opportunity they might not have received otherwise. You want to know what happens when you don’t force old white billionaires to do this? Just take a look at college football.

No. 2 is Mike Tomlin’s haircut. Either he has mastered the art of the airbrushed edge-up or his barber wields a magical set of clippers with divine attachments. I mean, Kurt Warner couldn’t get Jesus himself to hook him up with a cut that brilliant. It literally looks like he gets a touch up after every near heart attack-inducing Roethlisberger scramble. With Barack Obama as our president and Mike Tomlin as coach of the reigning Super Bowl champs you can kiss the cornrows goodbye. Don‘t be surprised to see Allen Iverson show up at the All-Star game with a fresh fade.

No. 3 is the fact that at every position on the field the player wearing black and gold is more than likely tougher than his opponent. The prime example is Hines Ward. That motherfucker is vicious. And he smiles the entire time. Think back to a time in your life when you were dominant in a certain moment, so dominant that it was funny. You crossed someone over on the court or you struck someone out or you pulled someone’s card Good Will Hunting-style (“how do ya like them apples!?”) That is how Hines Ward is every time he catches a ball or catches a DB out of position and cracks him. That’s even how Hines is when he gets cracked. I’ll trade Kellen Winslow and Braylon Edwards for Hines right now. And if you don’t want them then I’ll just release them because they’re both pussies anyway.

Finally, before I talk just a little about the game I would like to thank the Pittsburgh Steelers for beating the Baltimore Ravens three times this year. A Browns fan does not want to see a winning Steelers team unless it means a losing Ravens team. Art Model can eat a dick.

So, was it the 100 yard interception return by James Harrison before the first half came to a close (try to remember a better play both in significance and physical brilliance) or the Santonio Holmes tip-toe catch to win the game (which followed the Santonio Holmes missed game-winning catch moments before) that stands out? Was it Big Ben, all 6’5’’, 240 pounds of him, bouncing in and out and around the pocket to create fourth quarter magic once again this year, or the fact that when it really counted the defense stopped Kurt Warner? Yes he threw for almost 400 yards and finally found Larry Fitzgerald in the fourth quarter, but when they had to get him the Steelers did, as the Steelers do, and stopped the opposing quarterback from winning the game. Even though this time they needed their own quarterback to help them out. What was the defining moment? The defining moment of Super Bowl XLIII occurred way back in 1999, when the Browns selected Tim Couch with the No. 1 pick in the NFL Draft.

Let’s assume that travesty doesn’t happen – not only does this game not happen but the history of the NFL post-1999 changes dramatically. That moment, when the Cleveland Browns selected Couch to lead them back into football prominence, left Donovan McNabb on the board for Philly to scoop up. The AFC North would’ve been a different landscape to maneuver through over the last decade had the right decision been made. And the Rooney family might still be stuck on four Lombardi Trophies instead of hoisting a now record-breaking six. But instead we selected a guy who no longer plays pro football, a man who lost his job to Kelly Holcomb. Once again, you can thank us later.

But that misstep only further solidifies the dominance and class that the Steelers organization has established. They make the right decisions when it comes to players and personnel. They make the right decisions when it comes to the way they handle the media. And they make the right decisions when it comes to the way they treat their fans. Browns fans and countless other fan bases both envy and respect such stability. And of course when you have envy and respect you also have extreme hatred. So to my dear friend Joe and all the Terrible Towel-wielding Steelers fans I say congratulations, fuck you very much, enjoy the rest of the NBA season, and how about them Pirates?